Sage Stallone

Moscow Zero (2006, María Lidón)

Someone read the script to Moscow Zero and wanted to direct it? I guess given the director goes by an alias (Luna) instead of her name–she’s like the female, Spanish McG or something–it should be a surprise. What is a surprise is the presence of Val Kilmer and Rade Serbedzija in this piece of nonsense.

Well, I’m only guessing at the presence of Val Kilmer. I never saw him before I stopped watching the film–between the bad, creepy ghost bad guy video effects and the little kid turning out to be a ghost (apparently), I’d had enough.

Kilmer does a lot of bad movies these days and I guess him being in this bad movie shouldn’t be a surprise (I’ll bet they paid his airfare to Moscow). It’s a tragedy no one comes along and gets him into a role an actor of his ability deserves.

But Serbedzija… him I can’t understand. His character is essentially a nutty professor who is searching the Moscow underground for Hell. Except there’s nothing really made of whether it’s literally Hell or some mythic Hell. He talks to himself the entire movie. It’s awful.

Vincent Gallo is the ostensible lead and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him lead a movie before. It’s a shock Moscow Zero didn’t end up in Hell right away under his terrible guidance. However, the revelation he’s a priest, coming moments before he makes eyes at Oksana Akinshina is something to see.

“Luna” is a joke.



Directed by María Lidón; written by Adela Ibañez; director of photography, Ricardo Aronovich; edited by Elena Ruiz; music by Javier Navarrete; produced by Dolo Magan; released by Valentina Pictures.

Starring Vincent Gallo (Owen), Oksana Akinshina (Lyuba), Val Kilmer (Andrey), Sage Stallone (Vassily), Joaquim de Almeida (Yuri), Rade Serbedzija (Sergei), Alex O’Dogherty (Pavel), Julio Perillán (Alec Miller) and Joss Ackland (Tolstoy).

Daylight (1996, Rob Cohen)

Stallone is Kit Latura, disgraced EMS chief (he cared too much). Besides the name, Stallone’s just the disaster movie lead and not even any interesting one (besides the caring too much). There aren’t even any Stallone grunts in the movie and he plays it straight and as well as anyone can play the terrible script. Daylight is a terrible attempt at a disaster movie as it forgets a couple of the golden rules of the genre. First, have a recognizable cast. Jay O. Sanders might barely qualify, but whoever plays his wife (Karen Young–and she’s awful) is not. And the less said about Sage Stallone the better. The second broken rule is to make the characters likable. With the exception of Stallone and security guard Stan Shaw, there isn’t a single sympathetic character trapped in the (unnamed) tunnel. In fact, when Viggo Mortensen dies, it’s a relief, since it’d have been awful to spend the rest of the movie with him around.

Besides the plotting problems, the script’s generally awful–bad dialogue, bad characters–but Daylight‘s not abjectly bad. Rob Cohen is a boring director, but he’s not bad. The sets are all very intricate and impressive (the other visual effects, terrible CG and silly composites, are not), even if the action occurring on them is mediocre at best.

When he’s not spouting off terrible character development dialogue, Stallone’s keeping the movie going. At the beginning, when it’s amusingly ludicrous, he gets some help from Dan Hedaya. Then, in the tunnel, a little from Shaw. Eventually, he’s got to push ahead himself and, at that point, Daylight gets particularly long. Maybe it’s because the ending is straight out of The Goonies.

Randy Edelman’s score is awful, Amy Brenneman is awful, Barry Newman is hilariously awful. Trina McGee is okay in one of the smaller roles and Vanessa Bell Calloway’s fake Caribbean accent (it goes in and out of course)–at least makes her scenes funny.

It’s funny to think of disaster movies as a complicated art form, but Daylight certainly proves they’re far from easy to make successful.



Directed by Rob Cohen; written by Leslie Bohem; director of photography, David Eggby; edited by Peter Amundson; music by Randy Edelman; production designer, Benjamin Fernandez; produced by John David, Joseph M. Singer and David T. Friendly; released by Universal Pictures.

Starring Sylvester Stallone (Kit Latura), Amy Brenneman (Madelyne Thompson), Dan Hedaya (Frank Kraft), Viggo Mortensen (Roy Nord), Jay O. Sanders (Steven Crighton), Karen Young (Sarah Crighton), Danielle Harris (Ashley Crighton), Trina McGee (LaTonya), Claire Bloom (Eleanor Trilling), Colin Fox (Roger Trilling), Vanessa Bell Calloway (Grace), Stan Shaw (George Tyrell), Sage Stallone (Vincent), Barry Newman (Norman Bassett) and Mark Rolston (Chief Dennis Wilson).

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