Reading is kind of dumb. I just read the side of my La Croix can. Not because I cared what it said, not because I wanted to know how they make that refreshing pamplemousse flavor. I just wanted to read something and it was handy. In my mind, I deemed the can more interesting than the Altoids Arctic Peppermint tin. I remember doing it. I made a conscious decision just to read something pointlessly. Words are on more and more objects around us every day. No Repo Man Drink or Vegan Flavored. When I read the can, I was sitting in front of a computer connected to the Internet, so I could have looked up any information in the English language (basically, obviously, basically any). And instead I read the can. Because my brain, with all those hundreds of thousands of years of—no, it’s millions, right? Millions of years of evolution on the human brain and I used its power to read about a Seltzer water flavor. Because reading is kind of dumb. Is it the dumbest thing? No. But it’s a dumb thing and we have a lot more opportunities to be dumb right now than we’ve ever had before. Hey, wait, I just read on the can it was copyrighted 2002. 2002 is a long time ago. La Croix has been planning on taking over… oh, wait, that idea’s dumb. Reading can make you say dumb things. Okay, now I need to go write about cat pee.

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